The bully inside our heads

I will never claim to understand the complexity of the human mind, nor will I say that I

have a specific antidote for its wild nature. One thing I can be sure of

is that our complexities shape us immensely, in wonderfully turbulent ways. For

many people, the mind is not a safe dwelling. It has deep-rooted intricacies which can often result in continuous turmoil. My passion for exploring the mind’s deep complexities stems from my own experience of when the mind turns into a bully. I am constantly finding new

nooks and crannies hidden away in the depths of my subconscious. The bully knows

my flaws and knows what I fear the most. I believe that we all have our own bully, our own noxious critic in our heads. Like the bullies we may have encountered at school, we are made to feel weak and small. Whoever you are, whatever your fears, I hope that you find comfort In the knowledge that you are not alone and you are incredibly strong.

When I think back to my childhood, I feel safe. No childhood is perfect and I definitely had my fair share of challenges, but there was an underlying feeling of warmth and solidarity there. My parents were loving and supportive and everything seemed fairly secure. My thoughts were less complicated and chaotic in my head. I can still feel the heat of the evening sun on my shoulders and the smell of the newly cut grass. I can remember lying on the lawn and noticing the distant hum of aeroplanes soaring inbetween the clouds above. The memory has great potency for me and takes me to another realm entirely. It is the place I like to escape to when the bully returns.

The bully is a separate component to me; it lives in my head. It likes to return when I’m at my most vulnerable, with new critiques and opinions. It asks me questions: “are you sure?” and “what if you're not sure?” about certain aspects of my life. The bully’s voice is louder than mine and often drowns out the voice of reason. I can imagine that we have all experienced this, a constant internal monologue that has no mute button. I wonder what yours says. Do you ever believe what it says?

My training in the area of psychology and counselling has fuelled my passion for understanding the brain (but I am nowhere near being close to that yet!). I have also spent many years working with people suffering from depression and anxiety disorders, further increasing my interest for the subject. There have been endless theories on the topic of “understanding the mind”, such as phenomenology and existentialism, which are both extremely compelling approaches. For me however, I see the mind as another a person, a being that lives in our heads. We have our brain, the rational parent of the mind, for the mind is merely sharing its living space with the brain. We (the person who everyone sees on the outside) are a product of both the brain and the mind inside our heads and we can observe dialogues between the two and try and make sense of the whole thing. However, I think that the mind can be likened to an uncooperative and rebellious teenager, arguing with everything the parent has to say. It also has a tendency to be cruel and tormenting, it is like a monster. It knows all our secrets and fantasies that we keep hidden from the world outside.

The mind is also incredibly complex and can very easily become fixated on situations and thoughts. The environment and experiences that you find yourself in, combined with your genetic makeup, all come together to make this person in your head. This can happen completely out of your control. Like some friends you may have had in the past, they become critical, manipulative and they start to make you feel powerless. It seems the more you fight them, the stronger they get. This is the bully, the beast that lives in our heads. This analogy has come from my work with people suffering from OCD. Some have found that separating the rational and irrational parts of the brain better explains what is happening inside them.

Mental health issues come in all shapes and sizes, varying from one individual to another. Therefore, I feel that it is impossible for someone to truly comprehend someone else’s psyche. However, in my opinion our minds have several things in common: Uncertainty, irrationality and 'uncontrollability'. These are the aspects that the bully has most strength.

Uncertainty:

Uncertainty is something that I am sure we have all faced. For

some, this can be incredibly unsettling and distressing, to the point that

avoidance of ambiguous situations is their only solution. Our brains love

stability and we often feel safest in places that are known to us. However, our

brains also love new experiences because it makes life even more

exciting. It’s the mind/bully, that nagging voice which impedes your way and

convinces you it is unsafe.

Here are a few ways that I try to comfort myself when I am anxious about uncertainty:

Recognise that the uncertainty and doubt are

just my body’s way of trying to keep me safe.

Acknowledge that I cannot be 100% certain of everything

and that is okay.

Go with my gut instinct (which can be really

tricky!)

Remember that it is temporary, it will not last.

Irrationality:

If we return to my analogy of the rational parent figure and the undisciplined teenager, the brain/parent is highly logical and consistently tries to reduce the noise of the rowdy mind/teenager (who is highly illogical). This process can be very anxiety inducing for you as the observer and can often cause confusion and distress. No matter how much the parent tries to reason with the teenager, they still manage to find fault. This mind has become a bully.

It is important to address the fact that many people that suffer from anxiety, OCD and other mental illnesses involving irrational thinking have considerable hormone imbalances, more so than the average person (but this doesn't mean that people without these issues don't experience irrationality). For me, my experience of irrational thoughts has been very challenging over the years. It has been mostly due to a hormone imbalance, but also the experiences I have faced throughout my life. We can include the component of having this hormone imbalance in the analogy. It is as if the environment that your brain and your mind (or the parent and teenager) live in is inhospitable or unsafe, completely out of your control. This results in the mind being cautious and over-analytical in order to keep itself safe. The mind then becomes an issue, being irrational and obsessive to the point of making you (the observer) very anxious and confused. This experience is important to be aware of because it can help us to realise that we have not done this our selves. It is just that our brain and mind are constantly in fierce dialogue.

'Uncontrollability':

For me, 'uncontrollability' is the one of the most important parts of the mind and is often the most difficult to understand. Irrational and unpleasant thoughts are incredibly upsetting and disabling for so many people. This can often be extremely frustrating for the sufferer as it prevents them doing the things that they really want to do. Here, many experience a great deal of guilt and shame towards themselves because they cannot "snap out of it". The mind/bully is uncontrollable. It acts up when it wants to and how it wants to. The key thing to note here is that this is out of our control, therefore; cannot be our fault. For those who have days where you struggle to focus because of your mind wandering or for those who cannot shut out those intrusive thoughts, you are all valid. In these situations, you are experiencing a disruptive mind, acting on its own accord.

Never fear, hope is here:

For some, uncontrollablity implies that we have no hope and that we will never be able to change. This is not how I see uncontrollability. I see it as acknowledging that the mind's thoughts may always be there, but finding ways to cope with those thoughts is 100% doable. Whether you experience mild distraction or extreme periods of panic from your uncooperative and uncontrollable mind, hope is not lost. As mentioned earlier, the mind is difficult and hard to train when it is behaving like a bully, but it is possible to train it to be kinder. For example:

You look in the mirror and something in your mind tells you that you don't look good today.

If we can train our minds into thinking about the thought processes going on there, we might be able to ease the feeling. For example:

Okay, I don't think I look as good as I should today. Maybe It's because I didn't get enough sleep last night. That would make me look tired and perhaps cloud my judgement. Another explanation might be that we are really wanting to look good today and therefore, see all of our flaws.

This seems like a very obvious process; however, with practice, the positive areas of your rational brain will outweigh the negative thoughts of your mind.

It is however more complicated with people suffering with illnesses like anxiety disorders and depression, but with the right therapy, medication and better understanding of how our brains become bullies, hope and clarity of mind are possible.

I hope this first blog has been interesting! If you would like to see more of my ideas, please leave me a comment :)

If this subject matter has been triggering for you then please consult your GP/other health professional or contact any of these help lines:

Samaritans - 116 123

The Mental Health Support Line (MHSL): 0800 028 8000

Text 07860039967 and a crisis counsellor will text with you.